The SPL wrap: Life left in the league yet as Meh Trophy goes to the wire

St Mirren and Kilmarnock will battle it out to the death for the glory of seventh spot... or something.SNS Group

And now, the end is here, and so they face relegation.

Goodbye, to the top tier, I’ll see you next at Firhill Stadium. At Dens, at Cappielow, in the Challenge Cup, wind blowing sideways. And more, much more than this, we’ll miss your Briiiiiiiiii-dies.

The original version of this particular SPL wrap continued in that style for almost 1000 words. Be thankful.

And so it came to pass that Dunfermline were finally relegated from the SPL. The writing, which had long been stencilled on the wall, was finally chiselled in on Monday night when they travelled to Easter Road knowing only a win would keep them in the division. But first, let’s go back a bit…

Having picked up their first home win of the season, Jim Jefferies men could only take a 0-0 draw in Inverness. The two sides have faced each other six times this season and it was the fifth time that the game had finished level.

Rolf Harris doesn’t draw as much as these two. This fixture has more D’s in front of it than {insert generic adult actress in here. I don’t know any of their names. Obviously}.

The dropped points were all the more costly because while Dunfermline were drawing like Leo and Kate in Titanic, Hibs were busy winning in Aberdeen. A Mark Reynolds own goal and one from Sean O’Hanlon gave Pat Fenlon’s team a 2-1 victory, and a crucial five point lead in 11th place.

Still, with the two sides facing each other, and Hibs going to Inverness, their bête noire, on the final day, there was hope for Dunfermline fans. Ah, hope. That’s what kills you.

The idea, presumably, was for Dunfermline to hold things together, sit tight and hope that the weight of expectation at Easter Road would get to their hosts. That would have been a plan of Baldrick-esque cunning, Machiavellian tactics and super-psychology. It would have, had they not been three goals down inside quarter of an hour.

Credit where it is due, nothing Hibernian have done this season has looked easy, so it’s a backhanded compliment to Dunfermline that they succeeded where the Easter Road side had failed. Pat Fenlon’s side looked up for it, like a cage fighter or an Essex girl, and tore Dunfermline apart before many had even made it to their seats.

Matt Doherty headed in Tom Soares’ free kick after five minutes. On 11 minutes, the same player was allowed more space than your average Death Star to cross for Eion Doyle to double the lead.

Austin McCann gave away a penalty for Garry O’Connor to dispatch and as if to blow a final raspberry in their muddied faces, Paul Hanlon’s shot which didn’t cross the line was given as a goal.

Hibs can now look forward to a Scottish cup final in safety, while Dunfermline will be left looking in, wondering what might have been as everyone else continues in the spotlight. Kind of like Ant-man in the Avengers.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, Motherwell were celebrating their entry to the Champions League qualifiers, presumably by diving into a pit of money, like Scrooge McDuck at the start of Duck Tales.

The list of teams that pose a barrier to the Champions League proper will likely feature PSV, Dynamo Kiev, the 1970s Ajax team, the Brazil side of the late 1950s and Melchester Rovers, but that’s not going to bother Motherwell fans.

The final push over the line was instigated by Michael Higdon’s goal in the 1-0 victory over Hearts. The win meant that Dundee United would have to go to Ibrox and win.

Rangers weren’t in a particularly charitable mood, and like 90s hip-hop stars Luniz, got five on it. Steven Whittaker, two from Sone Aluko, Jamie Ness and – doth my eyes deceive me – Alejandro Bedoya got in on the skelping.

The second and third placed teams then met at the weekend in a game as significant as it was exciting; a 0-0 draw.

United may have missed out on third place, but that didn’t stop them beating an off-colour Celtic and ensure their own participation in the Europa League for next season.

Scott Robertson scored the only goal of the game and, in doing so, confirmed fourth place for Peter Houston’s side. Not too shabby for a manager who had to issue the ol’ “back me or sack me” at the start of the season.

Celtic, in turn, beat St Johnstone 1-0 during the mid-week game. Anthony Stokes scored the only goal in a match that allowed the Champions to remind supporters of the existence of Mo Bangura.

The Perth side have struggled in their post-split matches, going down to Motherwell, Dundee United, Celtic and Hearts in consecutive weeks. Having challenged for Europe for almost the whole season, Steve Lomas’ team have run out of puff in recent weeks, partially due to the suspension of Fran Sandaza.

The league table doesn’t ever lie, but given their form over the course of the season, a sixth place finish would suggest it can tell little fibs.

In riveting bottom six news, Kilmarnock drew with Aberdeen in a surprisingly lively encounter. Craig Brown’s side had the better of the chances and went ahead through Jamie Masson.

The Aberdeen manager compared the 19-year-old to a young Jim Bett, which would ordinarily be the highest of praise, but when Cammy Smith is being compared to Dennis Bergkamp by Brown it must be a little galling not to be the latest in a long line of new Maradonas.

Dean Shiels equalised for Kilmarnock with his 15th goal of the season to give Kilmarnock the advantage in the hotly anticipated race for seve… Ach, to hell with it. I make the same tongue-in-cheek joke about seventh place being keenly fought over every week. Does any supporter get excited about it? I’m rebranding it the Meh Trophy.

Kilmarnock’s advantage in the Meh trophy stakes was reduced a little when they lost to St Mirren in the midweek game. Paul McGowan and Steven Thompson scored for Danny Lennon’s team, which means that if St Mirren win and Kilmarnock don’t on the last day of the season, the former will be crowned Meh champions for 2012.

They could have had it all but wrapped up, but such is the nature of the bottom six that the Paisley side came off their impressive wins against Kilmarnock and Hibernian and promptly lost to Inverness. Richie Foran scored the only goal of the game.

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